I am a dying sister #1

I am a dying sister.

I miss you, my beautiful-beautiful brother. I miss your shiny smile. I miss your funny dimple.

How could you become a stone? How could you become a memory? Noooooooooooo, I won’t let you.

On my dead body.

I remember you. Tall and beautiful. Waiting for me in the central station. “you have a birthday”, you said, “let’s go celebrate”.

My last twenty birthday.

I can feel your chin touch on my cheek. This is how you said goodbye: “see you next month, at the forty first” you said. Did you know it’s going to be NEVER??? Did you know the next time I will feel your touch will be my cheek on your grave? Goddddddddddddddd, how can I believe in beauty, in youth, in love??? How can I believe at all??? My beautiful, beautiful brother, only eighteen!!! I love you!!!  Refuse to believe I won’t see you again!!!

Please, tell me it’s a joke, that you are hiding somewhere, laughing about us fricking out. Ho, you LOVED it, you loved making jokes and make fun of us. Remember April the first? You posted on Facebook you are dying. You ENJOYED the panic, the hysteric friends comments.

Now I am dying.

The friends you hid from me. The motorcycles and the leather coats… ha ha. They all came to honor you. Believe it? I know you don’t. “My innocent sister” you called me. “My big brother” I called you back. You never let me visit you. Go with you to parties. Know who your girlfriend is! You tried to protect, to respect me… and I believed you!!! Fool me!!! I see your friends, I talk to them, and I can’t believe you were their leader!! My brother??? How many secrets did you hide from me??? How dare you go???

You burned my heart and emptied my soul!!! part of me is buried there, with you!!! Big, alive, bleeding part of me!!!

And the pain… the pain is eating my logic… shaking my cry….

I have no eyes but all I left is tears!!!

I have no fingers but I all I left is broken hands!!!

I wish I could love you more!!!

Don’t tell me people – you am young and pretty, you’ll go through this!!! Don’t tell me his soul is happy!!! Did you see a car driving without a battery??? Did you see a stone lying on a living man???

I am dying, brother.

I am a dying sister.

I am dying, brother.

I am a dying sister.

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