I walk and I talk to myself on my way home from the college, I walk and hear my brother’s voice inside my head: “I am dead but I command you-life”.
I don’t want it! I said, I don’t want it!! I am a dying sister!! I don’t want to leave you! !! I want to cry the seven seas, I want to tear my heart apart , to scream and to shout till I will be emptied.
And I don’t want to be distracted!!! I don’t want to sit in the bus and to talk about my studies with the old lovely lady who is sitting next to me!!! I don’t want to do the test in science theories or any other “final projects”!!! I don’t want to satisfy my classmates’ curiosity about the way my brother died and the way I feel about it!!! No no no I don’t want any of these!!
I don’t want to run to the toilets every thirty minutes because my stomach is going to spill itself out!!! I don’t want to breathe through my mouth and to feel nausea!!
I don’t walk like a zombie because I like it!! I am not sad because it’s fashion!! I lost my brother and I am terrified of moving on because it’s so dark, so dark I can’t see where is my next step, if there is a wall in front of me or staircase!
I feel the routine trying to scroll back into my life and I despite it.
I despite the mask I am wearing. The makeup, the perfume, the heels.
I despite the acting, the long smiles, the hugs and the questions, all never meant to be for me.
I despite the time that moving my brother deeper, and deeper into the memory.
I despite the emptiness that comes after the crying.
I despite “the sister” title which is going away, dying.
I am the dying sister!