I am a dying sister #6

Yesterday Mom opened your kitbag for the first time. She took out all of your staff, holding them, crying, stroking, crying, smelling and feeling, crying and crying…

I stood next to her, speechless. Still and silent- I watched her taking them one by one. Then…. Then she put out bunch of papers, rolled together with a blue hard band,

my letters!!!

You saved the letters!!!

The letters I sent you for the last three years when you traveled and traveled

The letters I wrote with my heart blood, wrapping the words with my longing

The letters I used to color, to decorate, to hide in the crescents cookies you liked so much

The letters I asked every family member to write, putting them together for you

These letters, you saved!!

I melt my soul out. Felt my heart bit hovering between my sobs- there, next to your kitbag. Next to our mother.

Hey, you, I am your dying sister who loves you so much!!!

My mom wanted me to take them, the letters you saved.

but I couldn’t.

Forgive me.

The papers are still rolled in that blue band,

One day I will open them, breath them into my bones.

But now…

Now I can’t.

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